Sometimes, I get the most “out of the ballpark” recommendations in my YouTube feed (like where did that come from when I didn’t click on/watch anything remotely close to that subject). This time, it was one of these street interview videos regarding kokuhaku (from a girl’s perspective) that I decided to watch. I tend to view some of these “what do you think about this” sort of Q&A’s from a “grizzled actual life experience” perspective since some of these things are presented as way too idealistic. Life is never perfect or idealistic (anyone who has had a “fairy tale” life is truly lucky). I also still remember this now decade+ old Tofugu article about it when social media really began taking off (we’re even texting kokuhaku was becoming a thing).
Myself, I’m proudly a boomer (bubble generation in Japan parlance) that is nikkeijin (Okinawan/Japanese American to be more precise). My other half however is a millennial that is nihonjin, but grew up in the west (and thus has far more western thinking, trouble with Japanese writing, and even issues with speaking). We both didn’t go through this routine let alone follow any protocol. We also have an age gap that I had to learn from her that it didn’t matter. We just became friends out of similar interests/ideals (and could converse for hours about those things), and just went from there. Relationships are extremely complicated and not black and white. When things like relationships, companionship, dating, etc turn into “steps”, that becomes an issue IMHO (especially when you experience everything life throws at you, and not everything works out in “steps”).
Backing up a bit, kokuhaku is part of the confession culture when it comes to dating/relationships in Japan. It’s like a step in the process (recall what I wrote earlier). Is this impacted by deru kugi wa utareru (it’s in the middle of this posting)? I will say that most everything in Japanese culture/society is because it comes down to strict (often times black and white) guidelines of how to do things. Back in the late 90’s there was a popular Japanese reality television show called Ai Nori (あいのり) where seven male and female Japanese (usually college age) would travel together in a van through various countries. The end game goal was for relationships/love interests to develop where kokuhaku would be performed (with the suspense being either a reciprocal kokuhaku and returning to Japan as a couple, or “I’m sorry” and the travel journey for them coming to an end). Like most “reality” shows, it is really hard to determine how much footage ended up not being used (where much of what was used was edited to fit the narrative).
As it relates to this particular YouTube video, first of all, I don’t really care for these types of “street interviews” (because they can also be contrived in terms of what footage was used and what wasn’t). Second of all, how people form relationships nowadays is all over the place due to the Internet. My boomer roots show because I’m still a firm believer in the actual human interaction part versus this “text on the screen”. Even video conferencing (Zoom, FaceTime, etc) while better than just text chats/email, has its limits compared to actually speaking and interacting with someone in person. Yes, I know that there are many who have had successful results doing “e-dating”, but I’m less progressive in that area. I guess it’s the old-fashion part of me.
As for the kokuhaku (confession) element, it is something me and my other half knew about, but we never did ourselves. It’s sort like once you hit a certain age, this whole notion of dating and courtship goes right out the door because what really matters is how that relationship presents itself (friendship, companionship, interests, conversation, etc). We both knew people who had dated since college (and seemed to have the most idyllic relationship), had the fairytale wedding, only to learn it disintegrated into separation/divorce years later. We on the other hand are the definition of BFF (best friends forever). We can hang out and do things while not always being in each other’s personal space (neither of us are “clingers”). At times, it is like we’re married but just without the certificate or the official ceremony. And because we’re apart again (due to family reasons for her), we manage alright
We’re also not going to marry either because of a personal decision for her which I respect (while she could have children, she would need a surrogate; but being unable to experience in utero pregnancy and bear a child naturally even if it is tough was so personal to her, that she decided a long time ago against having children and as result, marriage made no sense to her since she did not want to hold down a partner in the process). How selfless/sweet is that? End result is we have this interesting relationship that many would probably not understand (because it doesn’t fit the usual norms). Myself, I was okay with being “unmarried” and not starting the traditional family once I hit my mid-40’s anyway (though as I mentioned above, it is sort of like we’re unofficially married anyway). So even though I’m old fashion in some ways, I still beat to a different drum at times (something I wrote about before on my old blog). For myself, something like kokuhaku (especially in a rigid step fashion), is not something I would view as being mandatory, but that is my humble opinion.
